It was a fine Autumnal afternoon as Mrs Enigma and myself trod the well-worn path to Castle Park this Saturday just gone. The spectacle we desired to view were probably the finest, fittest body of men ever to display the historic colours of Doncaster Rugby Club on their toned physiques. No, not the current Doncaster 1^st XV, who just so happened to be playing Coventry, but the veterans of the Club, The Dragons, who yet again have embarked on their journey to retain the title of ‘Most successful team in the Club’, much to the disapproval of Messrs Morris, Lowe, Howells et al.

In a match sponsored by Pleasures Private Shop, 134 Balby Road, Doncaster, the regions largest stockist of Adult Toys and Flavoured Erotic Creams, main supplier to Drew Noble Enterprises, the Dragons were to entertain an ‘open age’ Sandal outfit. By ‘open age’ I mean younger, so one would expect the Player/Manager of the Dragons, Dave Thomas, to negotiate a reduced game time to allow for the obvious advantage to Sandal. He was not having any of it, fully agreeing to play the regulation 40 minutes each way (Thomas had clearly developed a cunning plan which he was to execute later).

I overheard Thomas providing an inspirational team talk to his player’s just prior to kick off. He said, “Remember that rugby is a team game, so I want all 14 of you make sure you pass the ball to Conway”.

As I gazed out from the rear balcony imbibing my first light ale of the day, I noticed that Sandal included in their team a winger of such fantastic acceleration and swiftness that he resembled a whippet. Upon closer inspection with my diminishing eyesight, I noticed that it actually was a whippet that had absconded from the Gypsy Camp next door!. It then proceeding to lay some dog eggs about 5 yards from the try line. Marvellous. When said waste had been removed it was game time!!!

The Dragons played with a slight breeze behind them in the first half and were kicking towards the Itinerant Camp End (I positively embrace diversity).

As the smoke from the smouldering plastic covering of the copper cable subsided, I noticed that the Dragons were encamped in the Sandal 22. The forwards turned over a line out, quick hands from the backs put Conway in space to crash over in the corner. After his woeful kicking display last week Malton was replaced by Ellis, who subsequently struck the ball 20 yards to the left of the posts with a flight akin to a wounded duck.

From the kick off the Dragons’ conceded a scrum and it was now time for Thomas to execute his cunning plan. He came off feigning injury leaving the other 23 (yes, 23) players to battle it out for the remaining 76 minutes whilst he ‘recovered’ on the touchline with a Gin and Tonic. After later diagnosis it transpires that this would be the last game for Thomas as he is due an imminent hip replacement. He will be such a loss to the sport as a whole.

Anyway, that said, the game progressed with Sandal striking back to go 7-5 up. The colossal Dragons pack then drove the equally colossal Clark over for another try, Ellis this time getting so close with the kick when hitting the crossbar.

Sandal scored another couple of tries and Ellis replied for the Dragons, using all 20 odd years of his experience of playing with Conway by sedately plodding up the middle of the field whilst Chris ran hither and dither like a scolded cat, finally passing the ball 5 yards out directly under the sticks. The kicking duties were handed back to Malton who uncharacteristically converted the try.

Doncaster scored another try via Malton in the second half, interspersed with scores from Sandal.

With 5 minutes to go a Sandal transgression on their 22 resulted in a penalty to the Dragons. The referee, Andy Scott, was asked what the score was, “21-17 to Doncaster” he dutifully replied. When it was pointed out that the actual score might be 24-17 to Doncaster he replied, “Ahh you are right it is, and the worse thing is I am actually an accountant”. The decision to go for goal was a poor one as Conway’s effort to secure a 2 score cushion reminded everybody why he had never been asked to kick anything during his illustrious career in the Doncaster 1^st XV.

With the last play of the game, the Sandal No 8 broke into the Doncaster 22 with only Tony Jones to beat. Beat him he did with an awesome side step only for Jones to leave out a trailing arm that almost decapitated the opposing player. Mr Scott could only award a penalty try and Sandal kicked the conversion from under the posts to tie the game 24-24, a fair result and a great game of Rugby. The ironic thing is that if Tony had just let the fellow score in the corner they would have probably missed the kick and victory would have been the Dragons’.

After the game Ex-Player/Manager Thomas was overheard speaking to several young Phoenix players that were gathered around him. He was heard to say, “To play rugby for the Dragons, you need three things: a good pass, a good tackle and a good excuse." Enough said.

Yours with funny shaped balls

The Enigma

P.S Anybody know who nicked Nobles car tax? We would like to buy them a beer.